Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
1. The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.
2. There are skid marks in front of the snake.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a guy who knows how to play a trombone and doesn't?
A gentleman.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
"Computer: End program!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A good idea!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?"
The trombonist is confused: "What??? I thought F major was the subdominant!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many trombones does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he will do it too loudly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
Year-at-a-Glance

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
An optimist.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best kind of trombone?
A broken one!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a trombonist with half a brain?
Gifted.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the least used sentence in the English language?
"Look at that trombone player's Cadillac!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a trombone player in the street?
A beggar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the trombonist get on his IQ test?
Drool.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does the trombonist say when he gets to his gig?
"You want fries with that?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are driving down a street and your director and a trombone player are crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first?
1. Your director. Business before pleasure!
2. Who cares?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff?
You could have fit more trombones in it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a trombonist and a mouse?
The mouse actually gets some attention.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss even more notes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a trombone sound better?
A: Run it over with a lawnmower.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the first position a trombonist learns?
A: Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a trombone section and a saxophone section?
A: The Trombone's weren't meant to sound like 2 cats in a fight, but they do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many trombone players does it take to pave a driveway?
One if you spread him really thin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
how do you make a trombone player drive faster?
Take the pizza sign off the top of his car.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the trombone player cross the expressway during rush hour?
Good question.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band. The director says, "Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But I don't play the trombone." "Well," the director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone section!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lessons does it take to teach a beginner trombone player to play a note?
Answer: Two, One to learn how to put it together and the second lesson to learn how to blow into it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

how many trombone players does it take to tile a floor?
one, if you slice him thinly enough!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do the letters pp mean to a trombone player?
1. An opportunity for an improvised solo.

2. A polite reminder that he has been playing too loud for the past 5 minutes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a trombone player to play slower?
Put a page of music in front of him.

How do you get him to stop completely?

Put notes on the page.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a weed-eater and a trombone?
Your neighbor will get angry if you don't return the weed-eater.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A missionary, on a very important trip in the depths of the jungles of the Congo, comes upon a lost civilization, which strangely has a deep connection with music. In fact, everywhere he went, he heard in the distance the constant beat of drums. He decides to try and convert these people, but the first thing he had to do was learn their language. After almost three years, he finally deciphers the language. He approaches the chief, and the very first thing that the missionary asks is, "Great Chief, everywhere I go here I hear drum beats. Why do you constantly play the drums?" The Great Chief responds, "IF DRUMS STOP, TERRIBLE DISASTER WILL OCCUR." The missionary, somewhat puzzled, asks, "Do you think that there will be a flood, earthquake, disease, famine, what?" The Chief shakes his head sadly and says, "EVEN WORSE. IF THE DRUMS EVER STOP, BIG TROMBONE SOLO!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonists car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Music Jokes

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one*

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."'

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.

Whats the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?

St. Peter's still checking ID'S. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Detached: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
Cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
Opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

BACK TO THE TOP